Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Evacuation of Kadul




Author’s Notes
1.I think the reason i wanted people to read this story was to understand that you must do whatever you can to survive.
2.The story itself was very easy to right because it interested me. I went with what could be the most shocking.
3.I had a little bit of trouble writing dialogue. I can’t picture conversations in my head.
4. I think i should try to get the story started a bit sooner. So i don’t bore the readers.





“Kadul was a place of luxury and pleasure. Some lived high above the clouds eating the finest delicacies and drinking the finest wines. Others lived on the sandy earth scrambling for any food they can find. Those differences in living changed when the sandstorm hit. Everyone came together trying to protect themselves from the harsh sand that could strip paint off cars or flesh from bones. My squad and I were given orders to come to the city and get the last bit of survivors out of the city and away from harm. However when we got to the city, plans changed. Now we are like the city… dying and alone.”

Captain Riley walked ahead of his two squad mates who were stopping to take a break. After All, walking 3.7 miles in the desert wearing body armor and carrying more than 50 lbs of equipment isn't easy. Captain Riley never really desired to be in the military. Before he was recruited he was just an ordinary guy who had an ordinary job and lived in an ordinary apartment. One day, Riley finds out that hes getting fired because of budget cuts. That was his third time getting fired by “budget cuts”. He was starting to believe that his bosses just didn’t want him there. After he got home, he called his friends telling them his situation and asking if they knew of any job openings. His best friend Andy said he could join the military. Riley took it as a joke but slowly began to realize he might not have any other choice. So he joined. That's his story. After about 5 minutes the sniper of the squad, Ben, caught up with Riley. Ben was this over ambitious kid who just wanted to fight for his country, so he signed up. After a couple weeks of training his commanding officer noticed his excellent aim with a rifle so he recommended Ben to the sniper program. Ben was the head of his unit. He had only missed 2 shots his entire career in training. One was a misfire and the other was when his buddy tripped over him during a shot. Riley was lucky to have a soldier like Ben with him.

“ The city looks like some ancient ruin.” Ben said as he examined the city. “ I hope we find someone alive in the city.”

“ I do too… Would be a shame if we came out here just to find the city full of dead civilians that we were supposed to rescue.” I Said.

 The two heard footsteps from behind. They turned expecting a civilian but it was just the last member of their squad, Drew. Drew was a carefree guy who tended to make stupid jokes whenever things got too tense. Drew was a tall Caucasian male with shaggy brown hair and brown eyes. Drew had to have had a rough time growing up. He used to live Detroit. He had a family of 1 older brother and 2 younger sisters. When he was around the age of twelve his parents got into a really bad accident on a highway. Both of his parents and 1 of his sisters died. His older brother barely got a scrape and his other sister and him got a minor injury. Because of him and his siblings being orphaned so suddenly, his older brother had to start taking up jobs. Eventually when he and his sister got old enough they got jobs too. Around the age of 17, Drew and his siblings were doing fine. They had their own apartment and everything. One night however Drew’s older brother didn't come home. Drew left his sister in the apartment to go look for him. Drew found him, robbed and stabbed in the alley behind their apartment. Drew called the cops but they never found the culprit.. Now since they didn’t have enough money to keep up with the rent Drew signed up with the military. He still tries to stay in contact with his sister but its getting harder because of this mission.

As they approached the city the shadow of the tall buildings started to fall over them. They entered the city and surveyed their surroundings. What they saw was not pretty. There were cars everywhere. People crashed into each other once the storm hit. Some people tried to run from their cars to the shelter of the buildings but were quickly torn apart from the sand. We tried to force the image out of our mind as we kept going deeper into Kadul. We figured that people would be waiting in a place that has survival supplies like food water and shelter. We pulled the map out of Drew's bag and marked any place that would have those supplies. We took another look at the map and headed out.

After a day we had only searched three places, a hospital, a hotel, and the mall. So far all we’ve found we’re places filled with sand and not a trace of any life. We decided we would stay in the mall for the night. We had one person stay up in shifts to keep a look out for survivors or any type of threats. At sunrise we took any water we could find to refill our canteens and headed out. We started out towards our last location. It was an aquarium in the center of the city. If there were any survivors they would have to be there.  We decided to take the main road there in case there would be any survivors still wandering around. There was an occasional glare from the sun off the sand but the tall building covered it most of the time.

After a hour we reach the courtyard of the aquarium. the building itself was just a giant circular dome decorated in all types of sea animals. We headed towards the door but just then Ben caught  something out of the corner of his eye. It rolled over to him. He looked down and yelled “Grenade!” We ran for cover. As it exploded we came under fire from unknown enemies. This was just a search and rescue mission. We weren’t informed of any hostile in the area. Who are they?...

4 comments:

  1. This story is soooo good so far. When i read it it seemed at times like a real author wrote it. The way you put words together is phenomenal and your very original storyline is really impressive. If I have to pick something that you should improve on i think it would be describing the city more because it seems like a amazing and complicated place to live, but to really picture it ,it would be nice to have a little more details. I like the whole first paragraph the best. It really pulled me into the story which it hard to find in most stories. It had great diction. This story reminds me of the hunger games a little because it seemed futuristic.It also reminded me of jack and the beanstalk, I don't know why though,it just popped into my head from the first paragraph. Altogether this is shaping out to be a awesome short story! Keep up the good work! :)

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  2. I think that your story is excellent and one of the best I have read. To be fair re-look the dialogue and find out how you speak if you can't write dialogue then try glossing over it in third person. You should also try to bring some plots later or expand upon them.

    p.s you used "right" instead of "write" in the Authors notes.

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  3. 1. The main conflict of the story is that a bad sand storm hits Earth and Kadul and Riley and his squad try to save any survivors but end up getting stuck with the survivors.
    2. The main character is Riley and he doesn't really change yet.
    3. My favorite part of the story is when the author is describing the squad.
    4. The best thing about the story so far is how the author describes the characters.
    5. This story doesn't really have a theme yet.
    6. The only thing I think the author needs to improve is the dialog because he is telling us a lot about these characters and I think it will be really good to see how the character's interact with each other.

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    Replies
    1. Edit:

      1. The main conflict of the story is that a bad sand storm hits Earth and Kadul. A man named Riley and his squad go to save any survivors but soon they end up getting stuck with the survivors.

      Delete